The debate regarding education and parenting is lately more alive than ever because we are in a time of transition. A transition in which we are moving from an authoritarian and adult-centered educational style, in which the reason is always the adult, who is the one who issues the judgments, establishes the rules and punishments if they are not met, to a more democratic, more inclusive one and respectful, who has more into account the needs and freedoms of children, as well as their motivations.
The debate takes years, and will remain active as long as there is so much difference: some parents defend what they call "lifelong", which is the authoritarianism that their parents exercised on themselves (punishments, cheeks, blind obedience, discipline, etc.) , and others defend the most democratic educational style in which the child is more accompanied in his development so that he is discovering what his desires, motivations and interests are.
Now finally, to shed some light on the debate, the harvard psychologists have decided to add the latest studies in this regard and have written the seven definitive tips to educate children.
1. Do your best to establish a loving care relationship with your children
According to Harvard psychologists, children learn to be kind and caring to others when they are treated that way. When our children feel loved they have a better relationship with parents and are more receptive to our values and our teachings.
For this it is necessary to attend to their physical and emotional needs, providing a stable, affectionate and safe family environment, in which we have respect for their individual personality, we are interested in their things and talk about what they consider important.
This is achieved by spending time together, even scheduling time: at night while they are told a story, Saturday afternoon looking for exclusive time for a specific child, ... doing things that father and son enjoy.
Also, hold conversations in which you can talk about meaningful things: what have you learned in school or outside of it, if someone has done something nice for them, or if you have felt good doing something for others, what things have you result more difficult to understand or assume lately, etc.
2. Get to be a valid example for your children
Children learn ethical values and behaviors observing the actions of their parents and those of those adults whom they respect.
To be an example where children can look, we must be aware that we are being honest, fair and capable of resolving conflicts through dialogue, as well as being able to manage anger and other difficult emotions effectively.
As in spite of this there will be times when we are wrong, because nobody is perfect, the ideal is that they also know that part of our character, our logical part of a human person who makes mistakes and makes mistakes, and our reaction about it: honesty to be able to ask for forgiveness, to try to amend our failures and to commit ourselves to try not to repeat them.
Children want to be like their parents if they respect them, if they have them in good regard for how they treat them and how they make them feel. On the other hand, a father emotionally removed from his children will hardly be an example they want to follow.
3. Make caring for others a priority and establish a high ethical commitment
They consider it important for children to see that their parents care about others and that for them it is as important as their own happiness. Let the children see that the essential thing in life is to be kind and at the same time be happy, that they commit themselves as parents for doing the right thing, what is right, what is fair, even when that can make them unhappy at some time, or if other people do not behave that way.
It would be something like learning that fairness is above the individual wishes of each person; teach them to seek happiness through goodness, to feel good by making other people happy; give value to group work, as a team, and encouraging them to work outside, towards those around them.
4. Help them to be grateful and kind
When children are kind to others they are better able to see gestures of kindness towards them, and in general more grateful. Studies show that the people who most often express their gratitude tend to be more generous, compassionate and able to forgive, and also more likely to be happy and healthy.
In order for a child to be kind and grateful, he must simply live in a climate according to this: that he is able to help others and to thank what they do for him, that he has the opportunity to spend time with other children so that they may be generated. conflicts in which they have to negotiate and mediate. May this also happen at home, allowing children to give their opinion when there are disagreements. This way they will learn to be fair, to listen, to debate and to solve problems. That way they can also participate in the proper functioning of their family, the way to achieve the happiness of their home.
In addition, children must have real responsibilities: that they participate in household chores routinely, but without this implying punishment or causing great gratitude on our part. When we simply expect them to do so and do not reward them, unless they do unusual acts of kindness, it is more common for such actions to become their routine (if we thank them very effusively it will always seem that it is our job and that they only They were helping out.) When they collaborate at home they are also better able to value what others do for them and what they themselves do for the sake of their home.
5. Expand children's circle of concern
The usual thing is that the children worry and empathize with a small circle of family and friends. The challenge of parents is to help them worry also about those people who are not part of their intimate circle: a new child in school, someone who does not speak their language, someone who lives in another country and is having a bad time.
Psychologists consider it important that children learn to know what is happening with known people, but also consider those things that happen outside their control: what happens in other countries, other cultures, etc.
From there, be able to recognize the vulnerability of others, the feelings of those who have problems: of that child who has just arrived and feels alone, of a child who is receiving abuse, etc., and even the impact that his actions can have on others, both for good and for bad .
6. Promote critical thinking and action for change
Children are naturally interested in ethical issues because they are very interested in understanding why things are the way they are, and why there are people who act as they act. Often, in the face of an injustice, they consider the possibility of taking some action and parents should be able to enhance that desire to cause changes. In fact, many of the programs carried out in communities for respect and care, for social change, have been created by worried children and adolescents.
For this they recommend talking about the different dilemmas that occur throughout the day, when a child tells him negative things about another child, when he sees someone copying on an exam or sees him steal, when someone is afraid to admit that he was wrong or did something wrong, when someone mistreats an animal, etc.
7. Help them develop self-control and effectively manage feelings
Teach the children that all feelings should be considered timely and valid, but that the reaction they provoke is not always adequate. That way, we can teach children to deal with their negative feelings productively.
For this we must talk a lot about feelings with them, try to name those feelings when they have them: "I think you're sad", "I know you're angry", "you feel frustrated because" ... and encourage them to talk about it, to who try to understand their reaction, to think about what they would like to do and what they may or may not do, to understand why they feel this way and offer alternatives so that they see that there is no single way to channel anger, rage, frustration or anger.
They recommend using three steps for self-control. First stop, then take a deep breath through the nose and finally exhale through the mouth, counting to five. Do it when they are calm so they can repeat it at some point of anger.
In addition, we must rehearse with them conflict resolution. If we witness one, or if the child has been, we can talk about it to see how it would react, how it thinks it should be solved. Show how useful it is that both people, the two who are in conflict, can talk and express their feelings, say how they felt, so that one can understand the anger of the other, even reach a mutual understanding from which the conflict can be resolved.
Finally, they recommend set clear boundaries for children, using the authority wisely to express what are the logical rules of coexistence when necessary. Explain that these rules are based on a reasonable concern of ours and that they communicate from the love for their well-being and from respect for them and others.
