In a post several months ago, we talked about the prevention of lies in children, and we remembered that they are not always worrisome, qualifying the fact that it is about seven years old when they begin to fully differentiate fantasy from reality.
Today I would like to delve a little deeper into this issue that worries some parents and entertains others; I clarify that both positions are perfectly compatible, depending on the lie, although It is convenient for children to know that we 'have caught the lie', and take a while to enhance the value of sincerity. Simplifying a lot, we could say that our children they will lie to reinvent their reality: drawing attention or exaggerating skills, in order to give a certain image to others; They are usually children who do not trust themselves or are insecure. Another cause is also possible: not wanting to face possible consequences, and try to get out of a hurried situation (a mistake that they are ashamed to recognize, the breach of parental or maternal expectations ...).
As we noted in the post linked above, it is not necessary to encourage the lie, nor to be pleased when the children say it, but it is not necessary to dramatize; so we could aim to prevent them from lying repeatedly, and also to get to tell serious lies
But yes, a bit of coherence is necessary, because with our example we also teach them, how can we want our children not to tell lies if we are the first to lie to them? There is no justification for lying: neither wanting to strengthen our authority, nor wanting to avoid agreed commitments, ...
Do you know when your child lies to you?
I always tell my children that 'parents sometimes get confused, but they are not dumb'; I usually know his lies, although I don't want to show off either, because I'm sure they sneaked some. Pay attention to your intuition, since it is not always necessary to inquire to find out the 'truth'. What is important is try to appreciate the sincerity, which is one of the bases of healthy relationships.
It is not true that when we lie we get red, or we sweat excessively, and if it happens they are symptoms more linked to anxiety than to the lie itself; but when the body (especially the upper part) tense, and there seems to be an attitude of escape, you can suspect the lie. If the explanations are also contradictory or unbelievable, there is a good chance that they will not tell us the truth. The lack of spontaneity is also an indicator: one rehearses a role for a play, not to establish everyday conversations.
Among the possible reactions of the parents are anger, the desire to punish, or the tendency to give them an endless talk (children disconnect within a few minutes). But we can also think that they are growing, and their abstract thinking forming, in addition to not denying that we lie sometimes it is a challenge for them, because from the consequences you can try different reaction models.
Lie why?
However, what should concern us most is the reason why they have lied to us, our priority in any case will be to correct a behavior (not the person). Let's look for solutions and we'll find them; let's try to show that we know more and can 'correct the force', and we will get more lies, or inappropriate feelings in a healthy relationship (shame, fear, anger ...).
There are children who lie about the reason they are anxious, because they want to be integrated into a group even though they are excluded; others who don't trust parents enough, and that's why they invent absurd stories (sometimes hilarious, I know, but let's not prove it) about why they bought a soda when we sent them for bread. Regardless of the severity, finding out the cause can be useful.
Our children should side with the truth because it is the best way for others to trust them, and because it is an attitude to be proud of (and from which they should not be hidden). Being honest gives us peace, and helps us achieve what we want in a more creative way.
Could it be that dangerous lies exist?
Dangerous for the child's development, I mean. Sometimes children do not have ethical conflicts (because no one has raised them), and also their environment reinforces the lies and enunciates them at the same time; On these occasions, you may feel pleasure in lying and lying may become part of habitual behavior. This is not a desirable situation.
As neither it is the so-called 'fantastic pseudology' which consists of inventions that replace an unwanted reality and by which the reputation, or the appreciation of others, is improved; These lies provide transitory advantages, but they divert children from assuming responsibilities (among these we can include impersonation of personality, the construction of an unreal personal past, or 'false' but brilliant notes.
Sometimes the best way to teach is by example; other times we will see helpless as the stimuli of a society send them 'lie' messages (advertising, you know); But let's not forget that accepting lies without at least one reflection can lead to a difficult situation to manage. In general, parents should show firmness (not despotism), while surprise, and above all a reasoning oriented to explain the consequences of lies, it is not necessary to repress, unless we do not want sincere communication.
Images | RIBI Image Library, Mike Baird On Peques and More | Tips to avoid lies in children
